Sadness. You could say I've been feeling a lot of that lately. Life has been kicking my ass lately. Between trying to find my place at work and navigating my career, to my body adjusting to working out more and trying to lose weight, to being in this "situationship" with someone 7 years my junior....life is just....different.
I guess it hits you when you're not really paying attention. One day you realize that the same things don't make you happy anymore. The same people don't make you smile anymore. And you just don't feel the same emotions like you used to anymore. It's like a cancer, for lack of a better simile; it creeps up slowly, and then all at once. When it hits you, you find yourself drowning, often struggling to breathe. You find yourself doing everything you possibly can to choke down tears while you're sitting in your office at 1:30 on a Wednesday afternoon. You find yourself going through the motions at the gym and smiling because that's what people are used to seeing you do.
But inside....you don't feel the same. Like your same self.
I've been racking my brain for the past two months trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Is it all in my head? Am I making it up? Am I paranoid? Spiritual warfare? Believe me, every possibility under the sun has crossed my mind. Naturally, me and my Type A self have attributed it to material things: not enough money, not enough prestige at work, crappy car, not looking hot enough, no boyfriend that adores me. That's the thing. It's so easy to compare and wish you had what the person beside you has. I guess that's why they say comparison is the thief of joy. That's about all I've been doing the past 6 months. But why? Is it because I'm insecure? Is it because I'm sad? Is it because I really do need to step my game up?
I'm constantly wishing my life was just...different. And I feel guilty for that. I really do have a good life for someone my age. I have a somewhat decent living situation with cheap rent; I have a car that's paid off (one less bill, can we say hallelujah??); I have a mother who is slowing learning to accept me for me and the choices I've made, I have a few really good friends (sure, they're spread all over the world, but beggars can't be choosers); but most importantly (or so society likes us to think it's the most important thing), I have a great job that can take me into a wonderful career. I really don't have much to be sad about.
So then why some days do I feel so empty inside. No meaning, no purpose; no....significance.
Maybe that's it. I don't feel significant. I don't feel relevant. I feel like I don't matter. Not to be morbid here, but I feel like if I dropped off the face of the earth today, everything would keep going as if I were never here. Sure, people would be sad and they would cry for a while. But I feel like no one would truly mourn me. No one would truly miss me having a spot on this giant rock we call Earth. This is getting really sad and it's bumming even me out. But that's my truth right now. I feel like I don't matter in anyone's life. I've always said my greatest accomplishment in life (other than being a servant of the Lord) would be to make a difference in peoples' lives. I want someone to be able to say "I'm different because of her." Is that corny? Does that kind of thing only happen in movies? Am I being dramatic? Well, probably. I just want my life to have meaning. I want others to value me and genuinely care. The scary part is, I haven't felt myself in MONTHS and no one has noticed. Am I just that good of an actor? To always paste a smile on my face and fake it so well that people can't even tell that I'm constantly falling apart inside? Or is it that no one really knows me? Do I even know myself??
It's been a HELL of a year. And I mean that in the most all-encompassing way possible. We're in a pandemic, I've switched jobs, turned my back on God, lost sooooo many people that I thought would be in my life forever, gained weight (and muscle!), lost my way countless times, and looked myself in the mirror time and time again, trying to find something to love about myself. That's something I've struggled with lately--loving myself. It's so hard. Most of the time, I hate the person that I am. I mean that. There's nothing I love about myself right now. And all of the time, I hate my body. I've never been one to stand in front of the camera, but now I can barely stand looking at myself in the mirror. I just hate what I see.
So what do I do about it all? How to I go back to feeling like I don't have the weight of a boulder on my shoulders; to feeling like I can breathe without drowning; to feeling like I have a purpose; to feeling like myself again??
Maybe I can't go back. Maybe I can't find that old Taylor that everyone knew and loved. Maybe she's gone forever.
Right now, I don't have the answer. All I can do is keeping going and keep fighting. Life is too precious of a thing to lose. I'll get there, I know it. I'm too stubborn and bull-headed not to eventually make myself happy again. I'll do it. One day. One day...I'll wake up and feel joyous again.
