Different or Indifference?

 Sadness. You could say I've been feeling a lot of that lately. Life has been kicking my ass lately. Between trying to find my place at work and navigating my career, to my body adjusting to working out more and trying to lose weight, to being in this "situationship" with someone 7 years my junior....life is just....different.

I guess it hits you when you're not really paying attention. One day you realize that the same things don't make you happy anymore. The same people don't make you smile anymore. And you just don't feel the same emotions like you used to anymore. It's like a cancer, for lack of a better simile; it creeps up slowly, and then all at once. When it hits you, you find yourself drowning, often struggling to breathe. You find yourself doing everything you possibly can to choke down tears while you're sitting in your office at 1:30 on a Wednesday afternoon. You find yourself going through the motions at the gym and smiling because that's what people are used to seeing you do. 

But inside....you don't feel the same. Like your same self. 

I've been racking my brain for the past two months trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Is it all in my head? Am I making it up? Am I paranoid? Spiritual warfare? Believe me, every possibility under the sun has crossed my mind. Naturally, me and my Type A self have attributed it to material things: not enough money, not enough prestige at work, crappy car, not looking hot enough, no boyfriend that adores me. That's the thing. It's so easy to compare and wish you had what the person beside you has. I guess that's why they say comparison is the thief of joy. That's about all I've been doing the past 6 months. But why? Is it because I'm insecure? Is it because I'm sad? Is it because I really do need to step my game up?

I'm constantly wishing my life was just...different. And I feel guilty for that. I really do have a good life for someone my age. I have a somewhat decent living situation with cheap rent; I have a car that's paid off (one less bill, can we say hallelujah??); I have a mother who is slowing learning to accept me for me and the choices I've made, I have a few really good friends (sure, they're spread all over the world, but beggars can't be choosers); but most importantly (or so society likes us to think it's the most important thing), I have a great job that can take me into a wonderful career. I really don't have much to be sad about.

So then why some days do I feel so empty inside. No meaning, no purpose; no....significance.

Maybe that's it. I don't feel significant. I don't feel relevant. I feel like I don't matter. Not to be morbid here, but I feel like if I dropped off the face of the earth today, everything would keep going as if I were never here. Sure, people would be sad and they would cry for a while. But I feel like no one would truly mourn me. No one would truly miss me having a spot on this giant rock we call Earth. This is getting really sad and it's bumming even me out. But that's my truth right now. I feel like I don't matter in anyone's life. I've always said my greatest accomplishment in life (other than being a servant of the Lord) would be to make a difference in peoples' lives. I want someone to be able to say "I'm different because of her." Is that corny? Does that kind of thing only happen in movies? Am I being dramatic? Well, probably. I just want my life to have meaning. I want others to value me and genuinely care. The scary part is, I haven't felt myself in MONTHS and no one has noticed. Am I just that good of an actor? To always paste a smile on my face and fake it so well that people can't even tell that I'm constantly falling apart inside? Or is it that no one really knows me? Do I even know myself??

It's been a HELL of a year. And I mean that in the most all-encompassing way possible. We're in a pandemic, I've switched jobs, turned my back on God, lost sooooo many people that I thought would be in my life forever, gained weight (and muscle!), lost my way countless times, and looked myself in the mirror time and time again, trying to find something to love about myself. That's something I've struggled with lately--loving myself. It's so hard. Most of the time, I hate the person that I am. I mean that. There's nothing I love about myself right now. And all of the time, I hate my body. I've never been one to stand in front of the camera, but now I can barely stand looking at myself in the mirror. I just hate what I see. 

So what do I do about it all? How to I go back to feeling like I don't have the weight of a boulder on my shoulders; to feeling like I can breathe without drowning; to feeling like I have a purpose; to feeling like myself again?? 

Maybe I can't go back. Maybe I can't find that old Taylor that everyone knew and loved. Maybe she's gone forever. 

Right now, I don't have the answer. All I can do is keeping going and keep fighting. Life is too precious of a thing to lose. I'll get there, I know it. I'm too stubborn and bull-headed not to eventually make myself happy again. I'll do it. One day. One day...I'll wake up and feel joyous again.

Aftermath

It's been over two months since my "almost suicide." It was never my intention to scare half of the people I know to death (no pun intended), but hey, life's crazy right?

My favorite thing to do is to reflect. We all know that. So let's do some reflecting....

In the last eight weeks or so, my life has changed drastically. Not the physical aspect, per se, but I can be a millennial Christian for a second and say that my mind has been renewed and transformed.

The fact of the matter is this: I'm dope as hell.

For a split moment, I forgot that. I forgot all of the reasons I love myself and why I am deserving and worthy of love. We won't get into the why or how, but I did. I forgot. Falling out of love with yourself is not something to be taken lightly. The way I looked at myself in the mirror was disgusting. I saw myself the way I always imagined my dad looks at me. Disgusting. Unworthy. Irreparable beyond measure. Worthless.

The way I've seen God move in my life since then is unbelievable. I'm loving myself again. Like really loving myself. I'm taking care of myself more. I'm thinking better thoughts, doing better things, and trying every day to be the best version of myself. I'm letting positivity invade my thoughts and actions and it's been monumental.

"Falling back in love with myself has been the hardest yet one of the most rewarding things I've ever done."

It's hard. Some days, I get back to that place. And all the things that got me there come flooding back to my mind.

It wasn't God's plan and I have to remember that. It wasn't God's plan for me to die (not yet anyways) and it wasn't His plan for me to give up after making it this far. My life is so precious and I can't ever forget that. But sometimes, we just have those days. Those days where you are inexplicably sad and you just can't figure out why; those days where you almost let yourself get back to that place of loneliness, lies, despair, and hopelessness; those days when you can only think of one way to take the pain away....

Yesterday I had one of those days. I was a fine for a majority of the day, but then I felt such an immense and overwhelming sadness that I felt like I was drowning again. The scariest part for me is that I feel like if tell even one person, they'd get scared for me again. When I get like this, I tend to lock myself into my room and "sleep" the pain away. I go to sleep because it's the next best thing to....

Today I wanted to remain hopeful believe that it will be a better day. But I wound up feeling the same overwhelming feeling again. The hard part is, there's nothing wrong. The people closest to me keep asking me that and I struggle to find an answer, because nothing is actually wrong with me. I feel sadness and that's it. But I can't tell people that so what do I do?

I took it upon myself to dive into the Word. Ah, the Good Book. The Bible has helped me through some tough times, and I mean TOUGH. I started looking up verses about happiness and I stumbled upon something interesting--definitions. (We all know that us law-types love definitions!)

I read that there is a distinct difference between "joy" and "happiness." Who would've thought? I've been using them interchangeably throughout the years, but there is indeed a difference between the two.

Joy is considered something internal, everlasting, and permanent. It is not a feeling, but rather a mindset or state of being. Happiness is a temporary feeling that is based upon surroundings and circumstances.

I always felt convicted saying "such and such makes me happy" because I always believed I should seek happiness from Jesus. However, this makes much more sense. We can be joyful but sad, and we can be joyless and happy. It is possible to experience one without the other. After reading this, I thought to myself, am I joyless and sad or am I joyful and sad? Am I just momentarily sad, but still ultimately joyful?

Most people would say that I am a genuinely "happy" person. But, I think what they meant to say is that I'm a genuinely "joyful" person. I have an everlasting and eternal joy within me that cannot be diminished or revoked based on circumstances or people. But sometimes, I do get sad and I can't explain why.

In my sad moments, I think it is so monumental for me to remember that I have joy above all things. Also, it is perfectly okay to feel sadness. It might just mean my spirit is wrestling with something or I am subconsciously contemplating something or uneasy. Who knows?! But to find rest in Jesus, knowing that is where my joy is derived instantly brings me out of that place.

I am learning to take every day with a grain of salt. Two months ago I almost took my own life. And to look back and see how far I have come and how much progress I have made brings me so much happiness (yes, happiness!). Choosing me over the darkness was the best decision I could've made and I'm so excited to see what comes next. I'm ultimately so proud; I can say that I am proud of the new person that I am becoming. I'm proud of my decision to love others more than I ever have. I'm proud of my decision to help people more than I ever have. And most importantly, I'm proud of myself for choosing to love MYSELF more than I ever have.

The "Fake Smile"

Every day we are surrounded by people that have problems that we know nothing about--both internal and external daily battles. But instead of realizing this truth, we treat people like they don't matter; we neglect them, we ignore them, we hurt them, and we leave them. But why do we do this? Aren't we, too, fighting battles that those around us know nothing about? Why are we not more sympathetic to the battles that others are fighting. As usual, I'm sure everyone has their theories, but I think it's due to the societal norm of the "fake smile."

The "fake smile" is yet another cultural euphemism for misconception. In today's day in age, people are perceived as weak or weak-minded if they cannot keep their problems and emotions in check. But, WHY? Is it not human nature to have feelings and emotions and, more importantly, have the urge to share them with others? I feel as if we have become a culture of robots--where our sole purpose is to walk around with a fake smile and make other people believe that our lives are perfect, no matter how much we may be falling apart inside. But do you want to know what the worst part is? We all do it. Every single one of us. We silently compete with each other to see who is toughest mentally and pray that those around us will crack under the pressure before we do. And we all know how it feels because we've all been there. We've all gotten to a point of exhaustion and desperation. We've all gotten to the point where we question whether or not we have the strength to keep fighting another day. We have ALL been there. We desperate hope someone will see how hurt and exhausted we are, but the moment someone starts to care, we push them away...WHY?

My answer? The "fake smile." I think this euphemism has brainwashed us into actually believing that we are really okay; so, the moment someone responds to our cry for help, we flea or push them away or hut them for no reason. We are a culture of stubborn indecisiveness. We want to have it all together all the time, but we can't and we don't. We want people to help us in our time of need, but we can never humble ourselves enough to receive the help. We hate being the charity case, but complain when people try to help us...if only we weren't always wearing that fake smile.

So, how do we change this? Well, it's always excruciatingly difficult to change societal norms--history tells us that. But, just like anything, we have to first make ourselves aware of what we're doing. The moment we remember that every person we encounter is fighting a battle we know nothing about is the moment we remove the defense mechanism. The next step may be the hardest one. And that is to push through the walls that we all have built. It's tough, it's tedious, it's exhausting, but in the end, it's REWARDING! The joy you feel after helping someone during a tough season of life is a feeling that may not be duplicated or taken away. Moreover, be consistent! Keep helping people, be accountable to them and for them. Offer constructive criticism when it is warranted and show them love when it is needed. The last, but most definitely not least important step is to NEVER STOP PRAYING! We so often underestimate the power of prayer. This simple but effective act can literally move mountains!

And, just a few closing remarks...
I feel that so often we minimalize the necessity of intentionality in relationships. Be genuine! We cannot get through this life alone and we most certainly were not designed do. We need each other. We need people to cry with us on the bad days and laugh with us on the good ones, and most importantly, we need each other to lift us up when we don't think we can do it ourselves anymore. So be free of your fake smile and watch the mountains in your life move.

Self Assessment

The concept of a self assessment is a rather underestimated and under-used method of evaluating the people that we are and the people we hope to become. Questioning ourselves in regards to love, dreams, and aspirations is key to understand ourselves on deeper levels and help others to understand us as well. I found this on Pinterest (yes, I use Pinterest too) and felt it was a compelling and somewhat convicting self assessment. I recommend asking yourself some of these, but I'm here to answer these for myself. So, here are 30 questions....and their answers!

1. When I wake up in the morning, how do I most want to feel?

When I wake up, I most want to feel like I have a purpose for that day, like I have something to accomplish. I'm not good with days where I don't have much to do (could just be my busybody mentality lol). I try to go into the day being positive, no matter what it is I have to do.

2. What does my ideal day look like from morning to night?

My ideal day is rather busy--the more I have to do, the better I perform. I have my favorite coffee in the morning and a great breakfast or lunch. Usually there involves some kind of learning or something that makes me better at a craft and also something that may give me an opportunity to give back, whether it be pouring into a friend, or giving back to the world in some way. I'd end the day watching TV or talking with a roommate or my mother on the phone and nice cold glass of water.

3. What do I need more of in my life?

JESUS, JESUS, AND JESUS. I'm always aware that I need more of Him in my life. But, I could use more people that are willing to understand me (hence this self assessment), my goals, and dreams and are willing to help me achieve them--and vice versa. Basically, I need more people to believe in me and to believe in myself more.

4. What do I need to let go of?

This list could go on forever. But, simply put, I need to let go of anything that doesn't help me grow and isn't helping me get closer to any of the goals I have set for myself. I need to let go of negativity and focus on Jesus. The rest will fall into place, I'm certain.

5. What beliefs are holding me back from living my dream life?

Failure is always something that I've been afraid of. Although failure is very common and very normal for everyone, it still scares me. However, I'm learning that it's a necessary part of life if we ever want to grow or doing anything spectacular. Also, the belief that I won't ever find love is equally as scary. I know that this is a lie, but it has held me back from some great opportunities.

6. What does success mean to me?

My definition of success has changed many times throughout my life. At some points in my life, it has meant getting a good job one day and have a lot of money or financial stability. However, I now believe that success is different for each person. It depends on our hopes and dreams and what we believe our purpose is. To me, right now, success is acknowledging that God is in control and that I need Him more each and every day. From that, I should find what I'm passionate about and pursue that as fiercely as I possibly can.

7. What is the message that I want to share with the world?

Oh my, haha. There are so many things I want to share with so many people. But overall, I simply want to share the gospel. That Jesus died an undeserving death on the cross 2,000 years ago so that we may have life and have it more abundantly. This message truly will save lives...I know because it changed my life six years ago.

8. What brings me genuine joy?

JESUS! I'm starting to sound like a Jesus freak lol, but it's true! He does bring me inexplicable joy! But aside from that, loving people and helping them brings me joy. I can't think of a better way to spend my life on this earth.

9. What am I most grateful for right now?

GOSH. I'm thankful for so much right now--health, family, friends, opportunity, accomplishments and accolades--but I think I'm most grateful for life and the ability to do what I'm passionate about every day.

10. What am I proud of myself for?

I used to think it was a bit narcissistic to be proud of myself. But I've learned that couldn't be further from the truth! I'm proud of myself for a bunch! I'm proud of myself for growing and learning to love people more than I used to. BUTTTT, I'm very proud of myself for graduating college 5 months ago! That was an accomplishment I'll always hold dear to my heart for so many reasons.

11. What do I most need to heal right now?

I think to heal we all need to understand why healing is necessary. Again, the assessment is so relevant. I think I simply need time. They do say that time heals all wounds...

12. What do I want my life to look like in 3 years?

3 years...that means I'll be 25. I would hope I've figured things out a bit more at that point. Things are a little hazy right now. At 25, I hope I'm still actively pursuing something I'm passionate about and loving all those around me as best as I can.

13. What makes me feel truly alive?

Hmm...this is an interesting question. A lot of things can make me feel "alive." But, I love deviating from my "norm." I love doing things that people think I shouldn't do or they think I can't do...that makes me feel alive.

14. What do I most love about myself?

Oh gosh, haha. Loving myself is something that I used to struggle with. Finding things to love about myself was actually a great start. Some of things include my irritating laugh, because it means I'm feeling joy. Another is my ability to have compassion for so many people, because it means I'm showing love to others. And another is the fact that, unlike the rest of my generation, I'm not so addicted to technology and social media...rather I enjoy the little things in life.

15. What makes me feel nourished on all levels (mind, body, and spirit)?

As for my mind, I love learning, absorbing, and deep thinking. Nothing nourishes my mind better than being challenged and helping myself grow. As for my body, loooooots of food and a good workout help my body to feel good. And finally, my spirit is nourished by thinking of and meditating on the goodness of the Lord.

16. What wild things would I love to try?

I wouldn't consider this wild, but I would love to take a year and travel the world. There are so many natural wonders and different places in the world that I'm dying to see. God's creation is simply just too beautiful to ignore.

17. If I could make a living doing anything I wanted, what would I do?

Isn't that the point of life? To make a living doing something we love and are passionate about...hmm....

18. What do I need to forgive myself for?

I need to forgive myself for expecting myself to be perfect at all times. I'm always telling myself that people are just human and make mistakes, but sometimes I forget to apply that to my own life. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to forgive myself for being human when Jesus wasn't.

19. What would I do if I wasn't so afraid of failing?

I would change the world. I still might one day.

20. What is my top goal right now? What first action do I need to take?

My top goal is always to be more like Jesus. To do that, I need to spend more time with Him. After that, my goal is to go to graduate school to continue my education. The first action I need to take is to trust myself. After that, I know God's got me.

21. What advice would I give my teenage self?

I would give myself sOoooOoOooo much advice if I could. But, the best piece would be to not take everything so seriously. I spent so much time being upset about so many things. But life goes on. However, I'm thankful to have learned this along the way.

22. What do I want my legacy to be?

At the end of my life, I want to be able to say that I used everything God gave me to the best of my ability. Using his gifts and blessings is what we are all called to do. Also, I want to touch the lives of those around me. I want at least one person to be able to look at me and say, "My life is different because of you."

23. How can I add more fun into my everyday life?

LAUGHTER. Never stop laughing, never stop smiling, and never stop looking for the good in the world--I know it's still there. What could be more fun than that?

24. How have I been getting in the way of achieving my goals?

Doubting myself. Being afraid of failing. Falling short of expectations. Disappointing those around me.

25. What makes me feel powerful and lit up?

Good things in my life make me feel powerful. But above that, having lots of loving friends makes me feel powerful. Nothing great was ever achieved alone.

26. What do I need to stop doing to live a richer and happier life?

Again, I need to stop doubting myself and trust myself and my decisions. The self-doubt is only destructive for my future.

27. What am I afraid of?

A bunch, honestly! Failure. Falling short and missing the mark. Not effectively using my gifts and talents. Not sharing the gospel enough. Not loving people enough. But, I'm working on all of these, I promise...


28. How do I add value to the world and those around me?

Keep preaching the gospel, keep teaching the word of Jesus Christ, and keep loving people around me.

29. How can I show myself more love?

I need to realize that I am worthy of love and that I deserve it. I think this is the only way I can love myself more.

30. What desires do I need to surrender to the universe?*

I put an asterick by this because it asks what I should surrender to the universe. Seeing as I am an active follower of Christ, I surrender things to Him, not the universe. And I should surrender everything to Him, because it's not mine to keep for myself and I know Christ will never fail me.

We Need Love

One of the most annoying things about my generation is that we so often minimalize the need for love. This day in age, it's "cool" to show no emotions, not get too attached, and never fall in love. I'm not sure if it's the music, the culture, or an overall mind shift. But one thing is for sure, there is, now more than ever, a need for love in any and all relationships.

The thing about love, that is, unconditional love, is that it knows no bounds or reason. To love someone is just that, to love them for all that they are. But often times it's so easy to forget why we so desperately desire it, despite our attempt at trying to be "cool" and reject it.

We are loving creatures. We were created with an inherent desire for love, as well as a desire to love others. The more we suppress something that is innate in us, the more we are feeding into lies and destructive behaviors. There is no way to survive this life without love and the reason is simple.

Love is what gets us through. It's what keeps us going during the hard times and gives us something to celebrate during the good times. Love is what holds families together and it's what saves lives. It's what gives us a reason to keep waking up and whatever it is we're designed to do. It what makes us, us. It's what makes you, you. 

But like I said, this isn't "cool." Personally, I don't care. I'm constantly getting told that I fall too hard too fast, I get too attached, and that I'm too nice. But the way I see it, it's so much better to have shown someone unconditional love than for that person to have never known your heart at all. It's better to have given them a glimpse into what grace and compassion looks like rather than for them to have never experienced it. I'm sorry, but I cannot and will not leave this earth never having shown love to anyone.

So what's the point? Well, the point is love. It's truly as simple as that. Loving others is half of what we are put on this earth to do. Loving others can be so easy. It can be as simple as listening to someone tell you about their bad day or praying over them when they need it. It can be paying for a stranger's coffee or opening your heart to new people. It can be shown in the smallest ways, but we have to take the first step.

So, what is the first step? Easy. The first step is to realize that we are loved; that we are loved by our creator and by other people. Whether we acknowledge it or not, our presence matters to someone. Acknowledging the love that was already shown by an undeserving death is necessary for understanding the need for loving others. There's no greater love than this.

The second step is to realize that others need love. Sometimes, people will do and say everything to try to convince you that they don't need your love. But, in my experience, these are usually the people that need the most love. So, understand that everyone is deserving of love and everyone needs it, no matter how hard it may seem.

The last step is to love. Action. We must not forget that loving others is a consistent act. We must do it, not just think it or observe it. Like I said, it can be simple. Don't underestimate the difference a simple act of kindness can make. It can truly save lives. 

Broken (A Poem).

"How did we become so broken?

We fell in love;

And somewhere along the way, the people we love forgot to love us back."

- One Tree Hill
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's always the break of morning; the hour that your absence evades my thoughts...

Thinking of you brings a feeling of emptiness.

The irony?

You were empty; not I...

I was the lover. I was the one who loved recklessly and unconditionally.

You...you felt nothing. Ever.

I was a lie.

My presence was a lie.

You used me...

& then you left me.

You left...

& I broke.

Shattered was my heart;

But we can't use tape or glue to fix our means of existence,

So I stay broken.

But I fake a smile, because everything is "okay"

But every night, at the break of morning, I feel the same as the day you left:

Broken.

Some are able to see past my fake smile; and

People ask me, "how did you get so broken?"

I say, "once, I loved this boy and he never chose to love me back."

Conviction.

I saw them again.

I was scrolling, and I saw them. 

Those words...

And suddenly the pain came back. 

I saw the texts. 

After the texts came your voice. 

I remember it so clearly:

My phone rang and your name popped up;

You were asking me to come over...you told me things were over with her...you begged me...

But I said no.

But who am I kidding? Even I didn't believe me. 

I wanted to say yes, GOSH did I want to say yes, 

But I couldn't. As much as my flesh wanted to say yes, there was something in me that was stronger that made me say no

Conviction. 

But why would I want so say yes anyways?

To be with someone who hurt me and took so much of me when he left?

A question I've struggled with since you left...

The answer is hazy; sometimes we can't help whom we have feelings for and sometimes those feelings never fade away. Sometimes we will always love a person because that person helped to shape who we are; 

But you lied. 

Things weren't over with her. You lied to me, again...

Conviction. 

You tell me over and over again that you love her,

But I must inquire; what kind of love is based on lies? What is a love that is manipulative, and hurtful, and deceitful? 

What is love without honesty? What is love without trust?

I do say, it is, in fact, not a love at all; but rather, it is possibly the idea of love or the love of love. 

A true love would never allow you to do such things to your beloved; 

A true love is beautiful, and wonderful, and inspiring, and true, honest, and good...

It is the voice in your head that says 

NO

in the tempting times.

It is conviction;

Conviction to always, always, do the right thing in the face of adversity.