Aftermath

It's been over two months since my "almost suicide." It was never my intention to scare half of the people I know to death (no pun intended), but hey, life's crazy right?

My favorite thing to do is to reflect. We all know that. So let's do some reflecting....

In the last eight weeks or so, my life has changed drastically. Not the physical aspect, per se, but I can be a millennial Christian for a second and say that my mind has been renewed and transformed.

The fact of the matter is this: I'm dope as hell.

For a split moment, I forgot that. I forgot all of the reasons I love myself and why I am deserving and worthy of love. We won't get into the why or how, but I did. I forgot. Falling out of love with yourself is not something to be taken lightly. The way I looked at myself in the mirror was disgusting. I saw myself the way I always imagined my dad looks at me. Disgusting. Unworthy. Irreparable beyond measure. Worthless.

The way I've seen God move in my life since then is unbelievable. I'm loving myself again. Like really loving myself. I'm taking care of myself more. I'm thinking better thoughts, doing better things, and trying every day to be the best version of myself. I'm letting positivity invade my thoughts and actions and it's been monumental.

"Falling back in love with myself has been the hardest yet one of the most rewarding things I've ever done."

It's hard. Some days, I get back to that place. And all the things that got me there come flooding back to my mind.

It wasn't God's plan and I have to remember that. It wasn't God's plan for me to die (not yet anyways) and it wasn't His plan for me to give up after making it this far. My life is so precious and I can't ever forget that. But sometimes, we just have those days. Those days where you are inexplicably sad and you just can't figure out why; those days where you almost let yourself get back to that place of loneliness, lies, despair, and hopelessness; those days when you can only think of one way to take the pain away....

Yesterday I had one of those days. I was a fine for a majority of the day, but then I felt such an immense and overwhelming sadness that I felt like I was drowning again. The scariest part for me is that I feel like if tell even one person, they'd get scared for me again. When I get like this, I tend to lock myself into my room and "sleep" the pain away. I go to sleep because it's the next best thing to....

Today I wanted to remain hopeful believe that it will be a better day. But I wound up feeling the same overwhelming feeling again. The hard part is, there's nothing wrong. The people closest to me keep asking me that and I struggle to find an answer, because nothing is actually wrong with me. I feel sadness and that's it. But I can't tell people that so what do I do?

I took it upon myself to dive into the Word. Ah, the Good Book. The Bible has helped me through some tough times, and I mean TOUGH. I started looking up verses about happiness and I stumbled upon something interesting--definitions. (We all know that us law-types love definitions!)

I read that there is a distinct difference between "joy" and "happiness." Who would've thought? I've been using them interchangeably throughout the years, but there is indeed a difference between the two.

Joy is considered something internal, everlasting, and permanent. It is not a feeling, but rather a mindset or state of being. Happiness is a temporary feeling that is based upon surroundings and circumstances.

I always felt convicted saying "such and such makes me happy" because I always believed I should seek happiness from Jesus. However, this makes much more sense. We can be joyful but sad, and we can be joyless and happy. It is possible to experience one without the other. After reading this, I thought to myself, am I joyless and sad or am I joyful and sad? Am I just momentarily sad, but still ultimately joyful?

Most people would say that I am a genuinely "happy" person. But, I think what they meant to say is that I'm a genuinely "joyful" person. I have an everlasting and eternal joy within me that cannot be diminished or revoked based on circumstances or people. But sometimes, I do get sad and I can't explain why.

In my sad moments, I think it is so monumental for me to remember that I have joy above all things. Also, it is perfectly okay to feel sadness. It might just mean my spirit is wrestling with something or I am subconsciously contemplating something or uneasy. Who knows?! But to find rest in Jesus, knowing that is where my joy is derived instantly brings me out of that place.

I am learning to take every day with a grain of salt. Two months ago I almost took my own life. And to look back and see how far I have come and how much progress I have made brings me so much happiness (yes, happiness!). Choosing me over the darkness was the best decision I could've made and I'm so excited to see what comes next. I'm ultimately so proud; I can say that I am proud of the new person that I am becoming. I'm proud of my decision to love others more than I ever have. I'm proud of my decision to help people more than I ever have. And most importantly, I'm proud of myself for choosing to love MYSELF more than I ever have.