Conviction.

I saw them again.

I was scrolling, and I saw them. 

Those words...

And suddenly the pain came back. 

I saw the texts. 

After the texts came your voice. 

I remember it so clearly:

My phone rang and your name popped up;

You were asking me to come over...you told me things were over with her...you begged me...

But I said no.

But who am I kidding? Even I didn't believe me. 

I wanted to say yes, GOSH did I want to say yes, 

But I couldn't. As much as my flesh wanted to say yes, there was something in me that was stronger that made me say no

Conviction. 

But why would I want so say yes anyways?

To be with someone who hurt me and took so much of me when he left?

A question I've struggled with since you left...

The answer is hazy; sometimes we can't help whom we have feelings for and sometimes those feelings never fade away. Sometimes we will always love a person because that person helped to shape who we are; 

But you lied. 

Things weren't over with her. You lied to me, again...

Conviction. 

You tell me over and over again that you love her,

But I must inquire; what kind of love is based on lies? What is a love that is manipulative, and hurtful, and deceitful? 

What is love without honesty? What is love without trust?

I do say, it is, in fact, not a love at all; but rather, it is possibly the idea of love or the love of love. 

A true love would never allow you to do such things to your beloved; 

A true love is beautiful, and wonderful, and inspiring, and true, honest, and good...

It is the voice in your head that says 

NO

in the tempting times.

It is conviction;

Conviction to always, always, do the right thing in the face of adversity.

A Lesson on Forgiveness

A wise man told me, that in order to get over something, or someone, you must face that thing, or person, head on. You can't avoid it, hide it, run from it, or pretend it doesn't exist; because this lack of acknowledgement is exactly what holds us in shackles against the very thing we are hiding from.

But who wants to face something that you're trying to forget? You see, I've adopted the mentality, "Out of sight, out of mind." So, when someone hurts me, I get them out of my sight. No more talking, no more texting, no Facebook, no Twitter, no Instagram, no Snapchat, nothing. If I don't see you, then I won't think about you. It seemed like a perfect plan, until someone explained it from another perspective....

This man explained the flaw in my mentality. After telling him of my recent struggles with forgiveness of a boy that hurt me, he gave me a hypothetical scenario. "Taylor," he said, "What would you do if he came walking in that door right now?" I, who has since been struggling with forgiving this person, answered quickly, "I'd probably punch him the face to be honest." He pointed out that that was part of my problem. He told me that holding on to my anger was just making my inability to forgive that much worse. But, duh. Who doesn't know that? Most of us have learned that holding on to anger just makes it harder to forgive. But like I said, I have my "Out of sight, out of mind" mentality working in overtime right now. I explained to the man how I have deleted this boy off my phone and, ultimately, out of my life indefinitely.

Being a persistent, wise man, he propositioned me yet again. "Look at him," he said.

Being a stubborn, angry girl, I replied, "I won't want to look at him. I get upset when I look at him."

"Exactly. Get to a point where you can look at him and it doesn't bother you. You see, Taylor, by not being able to look at him or see him, you're giving him power. He'll think "Aha I got her, she can't even look at me. I won." But, by getting used to seeing his face, when you actually do, you won't get upset. Then you won't be angry and you will be able to forgive him."

Look at him?! I couldn't even hear his name without getting angry. At first, I thought this man was a bit crazy. But he explained to me the danger of not getting to a point of forgiveness of someone that has wronged me. Forgiving is not about the other person. It's about having the tenacity and courage to continue to show someone the love of Christ even though they have wronged you.

One of the main reasons why it has taken me so long to get to a point of forgiveness of this person is because this person is the spinning image of another person that wronged me in a similar way: my father.

This guy reminds me so much of my father, right down to their similar hand structure (creepy, right?!). The lies, the false hope, the broken promises, the shattered dreams, and the abandonment. Having a boy come into my life and be so much like the father that never loved me and hurt me all the same is one of the greatest pains that I have ever endured. It took me years (18, in fact) to find the courage to forgive my father for all the wrong things he has done to me. But the moment I forgave him, the weight of the world was released from my shoulders. A peace, perhaps the greatest peace that I have known, came over me and I was joyful. I was saddened that I might never have a father to love me the way I deserve, but ecstatic at knowing that my Heavenly Father would always love me no matter who hurt me and no matter what I did.

So, I guess, that's what I want. I want to get a place of forgiveness of this person. I know it won't be easy. I gave this boy so much of me and who I am. But I'm here today, wanting to say,

I'm okay.

I have not worked up to the actual forgiving part. That will take some work and a whole lotta prayer. But I have no doubt in my mind that I will feel such a peace again soon.

I leave with this:

Courage is not standing up to those who have persecuted us or wronged us; it is about forgiving those very people to liberate ourselves from a bondage of anger.


Signed,

A hopeful,

Taylor J.

Abandonment

One of the most cliche, yet suprisingly accurate things I've ever seen on the Internet in the last few years is the abundance of relationship accounts. Whether these be on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook, society once again rears its ugly head by forcing teenagers and young adults to fill their heads of unrealistic standards for relationships and some of the most depressing love stories anyone can imagine.

One common post, tweet, whatever social media it may be on, is the expression,

"One of the hardest things in life is watching someone you love, love someone else"

I don't know about you, but I think this is really depressing. Honestly, I never got it. In my head, I'm wondering, "How much could you possibly love someone that doesn't even care enough about you to love you back?" 7 years of social media, 4 years of high school, and 3 years (almost there...) of college experiences still didn't help me to fully grasp this....until just a few days ago....

A question for anyone who wants to reflect:

How much of yourself are you willing to give to someone?
Whether that be physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually;

I gave so much of myself to someone, it nearly cost me my short-term sanity.

But it wasn't all bad. I thought I was investing in this person (and let's face it, investments can be good!). I thought everything I gave to this person, my time, my prayers, my support, myself, would have a ten-fold return. Just when I though everything I always wanted was about to come true....

He left.

You left.

Just like that. You left me.

Everything I sacrificed, everything I prayed for, everything I wanted, gone; because, you left.

When you left, you took it...

You took it without realizing and it never came back, & it still hasn't found its way back to me.

It was the hope I had in you.

When you left, the first thing I felt was pain...then came anger, then came disappointment, then humiliation, then regret, sorrow, then came the feeling that has yet to depart from me..

Abandonment.

Unlike the hope I had in you, this feeling has never escaped me.

There's so much that goes along with it: loss, loneliness, despair, anguish, hopelessness, and sadness.

Just when I though it couldn't get any worse, you said the words to me, still, clear as day:

"I never loved you. I love her."

Abandonment.

You walked out of my life, after promising you'd never leave.

I wanted to believe it was for the best, I wanted to believe that I would be better off without you, I wanted to believe that I'll find somebody better one day...

....and it was, I will be, and I will.

But for now, I'm left knowing two things:

1) I now know how painful it is to watch the person you love, love someone else.
and
2) I'm so much harder to love that I could have ever imagined.

Insomnia

Here I lie at the break of morning and I only feel one thing:

Pain. 

You are the only thing that evades my late, insomniatic nights. 

So many memories flash through my mind...

I think of how blissfully and unconditionally happy I was when we met years ago

I think of the way you used to hold my cheek whilst kissing me 

I think of the way you would roll over in the middle of the night and pull me closer

I think of the way it was...

And then tears fill my checks and soon my pillow

I just wonder.

I wonder why I wasn't good enough

I wonder why you didn't see in me what you saw in her

I wonder why you didn't choose me. 

But stop!

Who am I? To be hung up on some poor excuse of a man that doesn't have the ability to fully love another

More tears come.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to mourn....

To mourn the loss of someone that never had you in their heart is perhaps a greater pain than loss itself. 

Erase. 

Erase you from my memory.

You didn't exist; you never happened. 

The late night calls, the good luck kisses, the memories

Eras....

But wait,

How can I do this?

How do I erase the memories and the footprints of someone that gave me so much to remember? 

How do I forget someone that I completely surrendered myself to?

How?

It has been 6 months since your lips met mine for what I didn't know would be our last goodbye kiss

I wonder. Wonder why it had to be like this

Why couldn't I get my happily ever after

Erase. 

I can't erase the time we shared. 

I can't erase the feelings I had. 

But what so few fail to realize is

The one whom our heart desires most may be the very reason for our late insomniatic nights, the tear filled pillows, and our sorrow.

But one last thing

I never told you this, but I've been wanting to say...

You ignited a fire in me that cannot die.  

But I've come to realize that you're afraid of flames. 

...I'm no longer a slave to FEAR

I think it's relatively safe to say that everyone has a fear of something. Whether it's rational or not, it's normal to be afraid of something. Some people are afraid of animals like spiders or snakes. Some people are afraid of roller coasters or heights. And some people are afraid of crazy things like words or sounds. However, I think one of the most common, yet underestimated things that we humans can can be afraid of is fear itself.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - President Franklin D. Roosevelt

I never really understood what President Roosevelt was trying to say until this year [2016] started.

This year, 4 major things are happening, in this order:
1. I will finish my junior year of college and have a downhill fight to begin my last year.
2. I turn 21 years old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. I will take the second most important test of my life, the LSAT or Law School Admission Test.
4. After having taken my LSAT, I will begin the application process to law school.

Now, ideally, two out of the four things on that list shouldn't be so scary (I'm talking about #1 and #2 here), but for me, I'm scared out of my mind. It's not that I don't want these things to happen; of course I do. But all these things mean that my dreams are finally beginning and I'm getting closer to achieving them. I dreamt of this year and all of those things since before I can even remember, and it always felt like I had so much time to prepare for all of them, but BOOM! 2016 is here along with the beginning of my future. I guess that's it. My future. The future can be a scary thing when you also have a fear of not living up to expectations....

For as long as I can remember, I have been known to be "that smart girl" or "the future lawyer" or "that little genius." I can assure anyone that's curious, I'm no genius and not even close. I am blessed with the knowledge, skills, abilities, and intelligence, that I do have and have acquired, but I'm no Einstein. With this, expectations for anything that I do are always through the roof. I'm expected to perform flawlessly in just about everything that I do. Having the pressure to be almost perfect all the time can get exhausting entirely too quickly. It makes me work all the more harder to do the best that I can in everything that I do. More bluntly, failure was never an option in my book. And I always wondered what would happen if I did fail at something.

Fear can be a funny thing. Fear can either destroy us or inspire us. It can either stop up from achieving our dreams or it can motivate us to move past our potential and realize our dreams. Personally, I think you can experience both. I think you can become so afraid that you almost let your fears stop you from doing something great but then let that fear motivate you and inspire you to achieve something so much better than you thought you could. I think that's the funny thing. How can something that is portrayed to be so negative have such a  simultaneous positive impact on our lives? Stepping out into the unknown can be scary but it can also be exciting and inspiring. Taking the next step into greatness should be scary. We should be excited, don't get me wrong. But stepping up to the next level, having to be all the more better...that's scary. I'll say it again....

I'm scared out of my mind for the future, for the next step, for taking a leap into the unknown....

I'm scared to leave undergrad...
I'm scared to go to law school...
I'm scared of failing....
I'm scared of not measuring up to expectations...
I'm scared of the future and the unknown.

I'm just scared.

I thought to be afraid meant to be weak or inferior. But recently I've learned that being scared is normal. It's part of that inspiration process that has led so many to greatness. Letting fear inspire you is one of the greatest experiences and advantages you can have. Overcoming any adversity that comes with fear is another step in growing and becoming who we were meant to become.

4 verses come to mind when it comes to fear:

1 John 4:18 - "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear...The one who fears is not made perfect in love." ~ for trusting that there will never be anything bigger that God cannot handle.

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  ~ for knowing that God is protecting us through the process.

Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord you God will be with you wherever you go." ~ for remembering that God is walking with us the entire day and won't fail us.

Isaiah 41:10 - "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

~ for peace, confidence, and knowledge that even in our times of fear, God will give us the strength we need to take that leap of faith and trust that he will hold us, always ~



Taylor J.