A wise man told me, that in order to get over something, or someone, you must face that thing, or person, head on. You can't avoid it, hide it, run from it, or pretend it doesn't exist; because this lack of acknowledgement is exactly what holds us in shackles against the very thing we are hiding from.
But who wants to face something that you're trying to forget? You see, I've adopted the mentality, "Out of sight, out of mind." So, when someone hurts me, I get them out of my sight. No more talking, no more texting, no Facebook, no Twitter, no Instagram, no Snapchat, nothing. If I don't see you, then I won't think about you. It seemed like a perfect plan, until someone explained it from another perspective....
This man explained the flaw in my mentality. After telling him of my recent struggles with forgiveness of a boy that hurt me, he gave me a hypothetical scenario. "Taylor," he said, "What would you do if he came walking in that door right now?" I, who has since been struggling with forgiving this person, answered quickly, "I'd probably punch him the face to be honest." He pointed out that that was part of my problem. He told me that holding on to my anger was just making my inability to forgive that much worse. But, duh. Who doesn't know that? Most of us have learned that holding on to anger just makes it harder to forgive. But like I said, I have my "Out of sight, out of mind" mentality working in overtime right now. I explained to the man how I have deleted this boy off my phone and, ultimately, out of my life indefinitely.
Being a persistent, wise man, he propositioned me yet again. "Look at him," he said.
Being a stubborn, angry girl, I replied, "I won't want to look at him. I get upset when I look at him."
"Exactly. Get to a point where you can look at him and it doesn't bother you. You see, Taylor, by not being able to look at him or see him, you're giving him power. He'll think "Aha I got her, she can't even look at me. I won." But, by getting used to seeing his face, when you actually do, you won't get upset. Then you won't be angry and you will be able to forgive him."
Look at him?! I couldn't even hear his name without getting angry. At first, I thought this man was a bit crazy. But he explained to me the danger of not getting to a point of forgiveness of someone that has wronged me. Forgiving is not about the other person. It's about having the tenacity and courage to continue to show someone the love of Christ even though they have wronged you.
One of the main reasons why it has taken me so long to get to a point of forgiveness of this person is because this person is the spinning image of another person that wronged me in a similar way: my father.
This guy reminds me so much of my father, right down to their similar hand structure (creepy, right?!). The lies, the false hope, the broken promises, the shattered dreams, and the abandonment. Having a boy come into my life and be so much like the father that never loved me and hurt me all the same is one of the greatest pains that I have ever endured. It took me years (18, in fact) to find the courage to forgive my father for all the wrong things he has done to me. But the moment I forgave him, the weight of the world was released from my shoulders. A peace, perhaps the greatest peace that I have known, came over me and I was joyful. I was saddened that I might never have a father to love me the way I deserve, but ecstatic at knowing that my Heavenly Father would always love me no matter who hurt me and no matter what I did.
So, I guess, that's what I want. I want to get a place of forgiveness of this person. I know it won't be easy. I gave this boy so much of me and who I am. But I'm here today, wanting to say,
I'm okay.
I have not worked up to the actual forgiving part. That will take some work and a whole lotta prayer. But I have no doubt in my mind that I will feel such a peace again soon.
I leave with this:
Courage is not standing up to those who have persecuted us or wronged us; it is about forgiving those very people to liberate ourselves from a bondage of anger.
Signed,
A hopeful,
Taylor J.
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